I surrounded myself with new people, and it was wonderful. I dug myself deeper into a hole, that looking back, perhaps I needed to go on. I gained a few pounds, and it was good for me. But it didn’t last, I became depressed and suicidal. Everything hurt, and I buried myself in my pain like so many people do. Is this wrong, no. People hurt in their own hearts a different way, and for anyone to say that feeling down is wrong, bad, stupid, etc. is the most selfish and hideous thing I have ever heard.

In my sophomore year, I only hurt myself by being around a few people that hurt me. I thought it was best because I loved them, cared for them, and I don’t regret it. But I wish that these last four years of high school hadn’t been about counting calories, and hurting myself. This why I am sharing my story, and my struggles. I want them to go away. But I also want to let people know that there is so much bigger and better things in the world than only suffering. There is music and art and books and cats and everything that one loves in one’s own way.

I have no pictures from my junior year, the worst and last point. I began to struggle greatly, fiercely, and desperately. I ate only 300 calories a day, and walked home, danced- did everything I could to hurt. I was so depressed, felt so hopeless, that I can not ever forget how much I drowned within my own self. By December, I weighed 85 pounds, and a size 0 was loose. I was skin and bones, and I thought it was everything I had wanted. But it was so bad, that all the suffering I felt made me have a panic attack every day, sometimes several a day. I was so sad, and I just wanted help. Ironically, I listened to nothing anyone said because I was so shut down to the world.

I saw a picture one day, and it forced me to look at my suffering. Was it worth it? No. When you’re in pain, you surround yourself with it, when you’re happy, you surround yourself with things that make you happy. So I lied to myself until it became fact. “I am happy. I am okay. This is the world, this is the life I have now, and I must embrace it.”

When I opened my eyes, so much changed. I met Tucker, who helps me through every day, but most of all shares love with me that is beyond any amount of suffering I have gone through. I shut the people out who hurt me, and I didn’t let them back in no matter how much I wanted too. But I met so many beautiful, wonderful people when I opened myself up. Since my worst point, I have gained 49 pounds. It felt good to be hungry, to say, “I want a milkshake. Who even cares about calories?”
I am a size 8, I have fat on me, not just average weight. Sometimes I struggle with it still, where I want to tear off my own skin and hurt until I am bone. Sometimes I want to exercise for 24 hours, without eating so every pound of fat will go. So I can get rid of the stretch marks I have, the jiggle, etc. But I can never go back to that place, and that is why I share this with all of my followers- friends, strangers, humans. I have been happy, and will continue to be happy. I won’t let myself worry about a number, worry about being bony enough to be considered beautiful. It’s sick, I was sick, and don’t want to be the person who still struggles with their body image, weight, etc. I want to be me, not a size, not a story, nor suffering. I want everything to continue forever and no longer want to disappear. For every person who watched me suffer, it was unfair, it was selfish, and there is no apology I can give that will truly condone my regret in all the pain I forced you to watch. For every person I worried, I am so sorry. I’m not in that dark bottomless pit any longer, and I feel no shame in helping others that have been there, or are there now.

But most of all, thank you.

When my father was diagnosed with cancer, a lot of things changed, especially within myself. I struggled to find who I was, and these pictures mark several endings. I lost my best friend, my father, and everything I had ever known became scary and unclear. When I lost him, I quite literally lost half of myself. I was emotionally devastated, and wanted to hurt someone, and so I hurt myself.

I cannot bring my father back, but I can face my monsters, and this is one I want to talk about. I stopped eating once my dad got sick, and didn’t very much for several years afterwards. I wasn’t anorexic, wasn’t hospitalized, or put in a mental institution. I looked at myself and wasn’t good enough, food hurt me, it was a source of life-which at that time I didn’t want. I didn’t want to live, I didn’t want to be noticed, but I wanted someone to see how much I was hurting. I shed pound after pound, and thought I had reached a good place when I entered high school. I could not be more wrong.

Tucker when it comes to kitty time.

Tucker and I have kitty pals. :)

Tucker and I are watching Thumblina. :)

I won the Tacky Sweater contest today.

Goodwill.

CUPPIE :D

Tucker and I made Chocolate Mousse. I think it looks terrible..

More reasons to avoid cameras at all costs!